The first day, of the rest of my life

Well here I stand, nearly two years later.  A lot has happened in this time actually, but the main thing relevant to this would be the knee injury.  Just over a year ago I slipped in the gym and dislocated my knee.  Well long story short I tore out a lot of the important stuff when I slipped and was pretty tied up for about 6 months before I could walk without crutches again, and unfortunately in that time I gained back all my bad habits and the weight associated with them.  Today as it stands, I weighed in at 330 lbs or just short of it by about .2 of a lbs.

At the time, I justified the constant takeout food by the fact I was unable to cook for myself, as I could not stand long enough to do the dishes let alone cook a small meal.  This made sense and in all honesty, I'm not sure what else I could have done.  Having a roommate who's unhelpful on the best of days, and a girl friend who decided it would be a good idea to cheat on me, then tell me that it really meant nothing but she wasn't sorry, I really had no other choice.  The problem is that after my knee was healed, after I could walk and after I could have cooked I kept up the bad habits and bowed to the cravings like a slave to his master.  I horrible analogy but even until today I am a slave to crap.

So here I sit, six months after my knee has been healed realizing that I need to change now, I need to go back to the way I was for a year... probably the best year of my so far reasonably short life in all honesty.  As I always tell my friends if I'm quiet you know I'm happy which would explain the fact it's been two years since I posted on this blog.

I know how much work it is to do the impossible, well not the impossible it's just I've seen so many people try and fail, and I've made weak ass attempts prior that I know how hard this journey is, I know what it does to my body and more importantly my mind that it scares me.  I was a totally different person, being so obsessed over such little things that most people thought I was crazy.  The difference between me and most people is I did succeed at doing it once, I did what most people failed at, and now I look forward wondering if I have what it takes...

When failure is not an option, I look forward to the first day of the rest of my life.

The more I loose, the more I care?

So, I have recently made an observation that perplexes me, although I’m not sure why because it is the most logical thing. I’ve found over the last six months, and more so in the last month that I’ve apparently decided to take off (who knew? Lol) that I care more about the way I look now, than I ever did when I was a total fat ass. Now, like I’ve said before in the six months I did lose 51 lbs but as soon as I stopped I kind of floated back up to about 45lbs and have stayed there for the last month, despite my piss poor eating habits, and lack of presence at the Gym. As I was getting dressed to go out for a birthday party last night, I realized I actually cared considerably more about the size of my stomach, the clothes I wore, and in general my overall appearance than I ever did when I was up to my heavier weight.
With my birthday coming up next week or so, I’ve been going back through old pictures. I don’t have many pictures from before last year as I was kind of camera shy, and it wasn’t until last year at my birthday that I started saying fuck it ya know? Well I realized that since my birthday last year, I’m down over 70 lbs? That’s a large freaking child!
Anyway, I really didn’t have much else to add, so I’ll leave it at that for today!
T.

Same Song and Dance.

So, this week was an oddly productive week, although I am quite disapointed with my progress. I lost more than I wanted, somehow... but I have that gut feeling that I should have done better. Went to the gym once this week; after the week previous that's pretty pathetic really. My body feels like ass because of the lack of excersize, not to mention the fact I've drank more the last two weeks than the previous year and a half or so...

Sadly, I've become a light weight, to embarassing levels. It used to be I could drink a forty of Vodka before I'd be good and drunk... last night I lasted three drinks and three shots. All of which I'm sure where super watered down. Not that it's really a bad thing, other than the fact I was getting out drunk by 120 lb girls... but I guess that's what happens when you don't drink for a year, and lose a massive amount of weight (70lbs since the last time I drank). I'm sure for those of you who have read more than a little bit of this blog, you can tell the anger and frustration in my voice...

Really, it's nothing to do with this journey... more what this journey stands for by accident. I should probably explain, but really, it just doesn't matter so I won't. When you have all of the answers, you have to kind of wonder if it's even worth asking the questions I guess. Lets just say that the top of the world is the worlds most lonely place.

So I have all this anger, apparently. I guess it should be a good thing, usually anger is a great driver at this kind of thing. Oddly this doesn't feel like the kind of anger I can redirect to something useful... it's a shame though, because there is a lot of it there.

On a totally differant note, I found out this morning (after I was already pissed off) that my ex gf, to whom I once claimed I loved is getting married on my birthday this year. I gotta wonder, wtf? lol.

Another Day, Another Disapointment.
T.

It is Done... Or Was.

So,
I know I'm about a week late on posting this, but lets pretend that I did post this while I was camping.

It was six months ago that I started a journey to do what I had never before done. I didn't really have a set goal back then, but more or less just fell into one as time passed. My ultimate goal was to reach 260 which would have put me down a total of 70 lbs, but that was never meant to be in six months, and i knew it would be unhealthily impossible to do. So I aimed for 50 lbs in six months once I was a month or two down my path.

Today I stand before all of you (well actually I'm sitting, but still) to give you good news. As of last weekend which marked my six month to the day I sat 51 lbs down from what I was when I started six months earlier. I do not need to sit here and tell everyone how proud of myself I am, how proud of me other people are, or for that matter how much better I feel... Those are a given to anyone who as pushed as hard as I have, a given to anyone who has craved sweat the way I have, or to anyone who has lived in a Gym as much as I have for the past six months.

I do have to tell you though that this is not the end, this is rather just the begining. I've revised my final goal to an additional 20 lbs lower. This will put me at 240, or roughly 90lbs from my starting goal. I hope (hope being the key word as this is getting harder by the day) to accomplish this within six months. This means that by February 1st I hope to stand before you a full 90 lbs less than I did a year earlier.

The only differance between now and than, is now whether I win or lose this battle, I have still won the war.
*To the future, present, and past. Without the past I could have never made the present, and without the present the future would look significantly larger*
T.

One Week, 168 Hours, or 10080 Minutes

So,
Here I stand with what is now less than one week away from my Six Month mark. In retrospect, the progress has been really good, as I'm currently looking at around 47 lbs lost in the past six months, and the remaining three to get to a good number coming in the next week. I'm now to the point that people cannot recognize me if they havn't seen me in a while, I get double ID'd every where including the gym where I go twice a day because they just don't believe it's me.

I think above all else, and beyond everything else I've learnt to have a healthy respect for myself. Not in the I'm better than you way, but more in the way that I spent so long talking about in earlier posts. Like I said than, there is a certain respect that is demanded from someone who can do what I've done, and what I am about to do and that is one of the few true respects left in this world. I have seen a huge differance in my personal life however, both for the good and the bad. The self confidence to stand up for myself helps a lot, but I think above all the thought that I know I do not have to rely on others to make myself feel wanted anymore. Obviously a bit of an over exageration, but I'm much happier alone now than I was before, whether that be my failed attempt at love 6 months ago that I'm sure somehow spured this, or my utter lack of desire for it all right now. I am however seeing my friends complaining that I'm not the same person I was before, that they never get to see me because I'm always in the gym, and that they miss hanging out with me... I guess that's both a good and a bad thing really, good in the sense that when you miss something you appreciate the time you have with it when you do manage to have it, and bad in the sense that I am on some levels neglecting them for once to better myself.

The future, where do we go from here. There are a couple of options on my plate right now, I mean, I could take the next month off and than start all over again... although this may not be the best plan because i don't think I could go back to the way I was before (thankfully) and it would undo a lot of the work I've done. Looking forward I think the best thing to do would be to continue to march forward with my head held high; and if I managed to do 50 lbs in six months, maybe I can do the full 100 in a year. 100 lbs, that would bring me down to 240 and make me oddly still overweight according to the BMI (that's Ironic, because I'd be the most fit person I've ever met). I did always say that my only goal was to hit 260 - 270 but now that I'm on the cusp of that, and only 10 pounds away from the greater I have to wonder if I shouldn't push further. You know, drop all the way down to 240 and than start to build up the rest in muscle... Sadly however, the only reason I really want this is to say I am the guy that lost 100 lbs in a year. That's a big number... hell that's some full grown adults.

Well, although I will not be able to post on my six month mark, I will be here in spirit (and shortly after I return from the camping trip). It's been one hell of a journey, and right now I think we're only part way home...

Frustration and Failure

So.
This past week has been the week from hell stress wise, but I discovered something oddly remarkable about myself. When I'm under a little bit of stress I go to the gym, work it out, and it's all good. But when the amount of stress becomes too much I stop going (thus making the problem even worse) until such time as my body just shuts down.

Maybe it was just the pure amount of BS that happened this week, total annoyance, frustration, and all I can really say is that I'm really happy because there is no way in hell next week can be that bad. So, let me ask the obvious question, how is it that everyone out here deals with stress in such a way their bodies do not just shut down?

Don't get the wrong idea

So, for all those of you who are wondering what's up and where I've been. I've pretty much taken the last two weeks off. I really didn't want to, but with the gym being closed I didn't really have a choice, than when it opened up again I started questioning whether it was really worth all the work. I know, no pain no gain, but really how much does someone really need to gain. I'm down 60 lbs off my highest, 45 in the past five months and I had to wonder why exactly I'm doing this. To say it was all for nothing would be a lie, I am happier now... I look forward to every day, but really I guess the question is how much better can it really get? If I where to say I'm doing this so that other people would like me, it would be quite shallow and lacking the full explanation, but it's not totally not true. But really, isn't that what looks are all about? I got news for anyone thinking that they're doing this they like to look better... you're wrong. You want to look better for the attention, that's all there really is to it. My main problem is that when people are looking at me, I can't help but wonder if they're just looking at what they see, or if they're really looking at me.

The resolution, I guess, it really doesn't matter. It was the second look that I needed anyway... needed for what is a whole other problem.
T.