When Failure Is Not An Option

The first day, of the rest of my life

2011-08-03T22:09:00.001-06:00

Well here I stand, nearly two years later. A lot has happened in this time actually, but the main thing relevant to this would be the knee injury. Just over a year ago I slipped in the gym and dislocated my knee. Well long story short I tore out a lot of the important stuff when I slipped and was pretty tied up for about 6 months before I could walk without crutches again, and unfortunately in that time I gained back all my bad habits and the weight associated with them. Today as it stands, I weighed in at 330 lbs or just short of it by about .2 of a lbs.

At the time, I justified the constant takeout food by the fact I was unable to cook for myself, as I could not stand long enough to do the dishes let alone cook a small meal. This made sense and in all honesty, I'm not sure what else I could have done. Having a roommate who's unhelpful on the best of days, and a girl friend who decided it would be a good idea to cheat on me, then tell me that it really meant nothing but she wasn't sorry, I really had no other choice. The problem is that after my knee was healed, after I could walk and after I could have cooked I kept up the bad habits and bowed to the cravings like a slave to his master. I horrible analogy but even until today I am a slave to crap.

So here I sit, six months after my knee has been healed realizing that I need to change now, I need to go back to the way I was for a year... probably the best year of my so far reasonably short life in all honesty. As I always tell my friends if I'm quiet you know I'm happy which would explain the fact it's been two years since I posted on this blog.

I know how much work it is to do the impossible, well not the impossible it's just I've seen so many people try and fail, and I've made weak ass attempts prior that I know how hard this journey is, I know what it does to my body and more importantly my mind that it scares me. I was a totally different person, being so obsessed over such little things that most people thought I was crazy. The difference between me and most people is I did succeed at doing it once, I did what most people failed at, and now I look forward wondering if I have what it takes...

When failure is not an option, I look forward to the first day of the rest of my life.

The more I loose, the more I care?

2009-08-23T10:28:00.000-06:00

So, I have recently made an observation that perplexes me, although I’m not sure why because it is the most logical thing. I’ve found over the last six months, and more so in the last month that I’ve apparently decided to take off (who knew? Lol) that I care more about the way I look now, than I ever did when I was a total fat ass. Now, like I’ve said before in the six months I did lose 51 lbs but as soon as I stopped I kind of floated back up to about 45lbs and have stayed there for the last month, despite my piss poor eating habits, and lack of presence at the Gym. As I was getting dressed to go out for a birthday party last night, I realized I actually cared considerably more about the size of my stomach, the clothes I wore, and in general my overall appearance than I ever did when I was up to my heavier weight.
With my birthday coming up next week or so, I’ve been going back through old pictures. I don’t have many pictures from before last year as I was kind of camera shy, and it wasn’t until last year at my birthday that I started saying fuck it ya know? Well I realized that since my birthday last year, I’m down over 70 lbs? That’s a large freaking child!
Anyway, I really didn’t have much else to add, so I’ll leave it at that for today!
T.

Same Song and Dance.

2009-08-16T11:04:00.001-06:00

So, this week was an oddly productive week, although I am quite disapointed with my progress. I lost more than I wanted, somehow... but I have that gut feeling that I should have done better. Went to the gym once this week; after the week previous that's pretty pathetic really. My body feels like ass because of the lack of excersize, not to mention the fact I've drank more the last two weeks than the previous year and a half or so...

Sadly, I've become a light weight, to embarassing levels. It used to be I could drink a forty of Vodka before I'd be good and drunk... last night I lasted three drinks and three shots. All of which I'm sure where super watered down. Not that it's really a bad thing, other than the fact I was getting out drunk by 120 lb girls... but I guess that's what happens when you don't drink for a year, and lose a massive amount of weight (70lbs since the last time I drank). I'm sure for those of you who have read more than a little bit of this blog, you can tell the anger and frustration in my voice...

Really, it's nothing to do with this journey... more what this journey stands for by accident. I should probably explain, but really, it just doesn't matter so I won't. When you have all of the answers, you have to kind of wonder if it's even worth asking the questions I guess. Lets just say that the top of the world is the worlds most lonely place.

So I have all this anger, apparently. I guess it should be a good thing, usually anger is a great driver at this kind of thing. Oddly this doesn't feel like the kind of anger I can redirect to something useful... it's a shame though, because there is a lot of it there.

On a totally differant note, I found out this morning (after I was already pissed off) that my ex gf, to whom I once claimed I loved is getting married on my birthday this year. I gotta wonder, wtf? lol.

Another Day, Another Disapointment.
T.

It is Done... Or Was.

2009-08-07T18:27:00.000-06:00

So,
I know I'm about a week late on posting this, but lets pretend that I did post this while I was camping.

It was six months ago that I started a journey to do what I had never before done. I didn't really have a set goal back then, but more or less just fell into one as time passed. My ultimate goal was to reach 260 which would have put me down a total of 70 lbs, but that was never meant to be in six months, and i knew it would be unhealthily impossible to do. So I aimed for 50 lbs in six months once I was a month or two down my path.

Today I stand before all of you (well actually I'm sitting, but still) to give you good news. As of last weekend which marked my six month to the day I sat 51 lbs down from what I was when I started six months earlier. I do not need to sit here and tell everyone how proud of myself I am, how proud of me other people are, or for that matter how much better I feel... Those are a given to anyone who as pushed as hard as I have, a given to anyone who has craved sweat the way I have, or to anyone who has lived in a Gym as much as I have for the past six months.

I do have to tell you though that this is not the end, this is rather just the begining. I've revised my final goal to an additional 20 lbs lower. This will put me at 240, or roughly 90lbs from my starting goal. I hope (hope being the key word as this is getting harder by the day) to accomplish this within six months. This means that by February 1st I hope to stand before you a full 90 lbs less than I did a year earlier.

The only differance between now and than, is now whether I win or lose this battle, I have still won the war.
*To the future, present, and past. Without the past I could have never made the present, and without the present the future would look significantly larger*
T.

One Week, 168 Hours, or 10080 Minutes

2009-07-25T21:50:00.000-06:00

So,
Here I stand with what is now less than one week away from my Six Month mark. In retrospect, the progress has been really good, as I'm currently looking at around 47 lbs lost in the past six months, and the remaining three to get to a good number coming in the next week. I'm now to the point that people cannot recognize me if they havn't seen me in a while, I get double ID'd every where including the gym where I go twice a day because they just don't believe it's me.

I think above all else, and beyond everything else I've learnt to have a healthy respect for myself. Not in the I'm better than you way, but more in the way that I spent so long talking about in earlier posts. Like I said than, there is a certain respect that is demanded from someone who can do what I've done, and what I am about to do and that is one of the few true respects left in this world. I have seen a huge differance in my personal life however, both for the good and the bad. The self confidence to stand up for myself helps a lot, but I think above all the thought that I know I do not have to rely on others to make myself feel wanted anymore. Obviously a bit of an over exageration, but I'm much happier alone now than I was before, whether that be my failed attempt at love 6 months ago that I'm sure somehow spured this, or my utter lack of desire for it all right now. I am however seeing my friends complaining that I'm not the same person I was before, that they never get to see me because I'm always in the gym, and that they miss hanging out with me... I guess that's both a good and a bad thing really, good in the sense that when you miss something you appreciate the time you have with it when you do manage to have it, and bad in the sense that I am on some levels neglecting them for once to better myself.

The future, where do we go from here. There are a couple of options on my plate right now, I mean, I could take the next month off and than start all over again... although this may not be the best plan because i don't think I could go back to the way I was before (thankfully) and it would undo a lot of the work I've done. Looking forward I think the best thing to do would be to continue to march forward with my head held high; and if I managed to do 50 lbs in six months, maybe I can do the full 100 in a year. 100 lbs, that would bring me down to 240 and make me oddly still overweight according to the BMI (that's Ironic, because I'd be the most fit person I've ever met). I did always say that my only goal was to hit 260 - 270 but now that I'm on the cusp of that, and only 10 pounds away from the greater I have to wonder if I shouldn't push further. You know, drop all the way down to 240 and than start to build up the rest in muscle... Sadly however, the only reason I really want this is to say I am the guy that lost 100 lbs in a year. That's a big number... hell that's some full grown adults.

Well, although I will not be able to post on my six month mark, I will be here in spirit (and shortly after I return from the camping trip). It's been one hell of a journey, and right now I think we're only part way home...

Frustration and Failure

2009-07-12T18:17:00.000-06:00

So.
This past week has been the week from hell stress wise, but I discovered something oddly remarkable about myself. When I'm under a little bit of stress I go to the gym, work it out, and it's all good. But when the amount of stress becomes too much I stop going (thus making the problem even worse) until such time as my body just shuts down.

Maybe it was just the pure amount of BS that happened this week, total annoyance, frustration, and all I can really say is that I'm really happy because there is no way in hell next week can be that bad. So, let me ask the obvious question, how is it that everyone out here deals with stress in such a way their bodies do not just shut down?

Don't get the wrong idea

2009-07-06T17:03:00.000-06:00

So, for all those of you who are wondering what's up and where I've been. I've pretty much taken the last two weeks off. I really didn't want to, but with the gym being closed I didn't really have a choice, than when it opened up again I started questioning whether it was really worth all the work. I know, no pain no gain, but really how much does someone really need to gain. I'm down 60 lbs off my highest, 45 in the past five months and I had to wonder why exactly I'm doing this. To say it was all for nothing would be a lie, I am happier now... I look forward to every day, but really I guess the question is how much better can it really get? If I where to say I'm doing this so that other people would like me, it would be quite shallow and lacking the full explanation, but it's not totally not true. But really, isn't that what looks are all about? I got news for anyone thinking that they're doing this they like to look better... you're wrong. You want to look better for the attention, that's all there really is to it. My main problem is that when people are looking at me, I can't help but wonder if they're just looking at what they see, or if they're really looking at me.

The resolution, I guess, it really doesn't matter. It was the second look that I needed anyway... needed for what is a whole other problem.
T.

Slip out the back

2009-07-06T16:58:00.000-06:00

So yeah, I had this big long post, but I erased it because I think the following lines kinda summarize exactly what I'm thinkin...

Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, I'm trying not to be worthless
Since I last saw you I been looking for a purpose

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

Yes, it is slightly borrowed, but what can I say, they're pretty great lyrics.
Peace.
T.

Gym Closed?

2009-06-29T16:39:00.000-06:00

Alright, I have to ask. Why is it that a gym is allowed to close? I know that sounds kind of stupid but really, I'd like to propose that a gym is like an essential service and they're not allowed to randomly close for a week. I just went in to my gym finally because they've been closed for the last week, and they didn't even do anything. I aske before they closed, and the guy made it sound like something great was going to happen, and all this new equipment would be in there but nothing, absolutly nothing.

Ok that's a lie, they are re-re-redoing the steam room for the third time since I started being a member two years ago. It seems that once a year at least they rip the entire thing appart and put down new tiles and such... the problem is it takes then a month or two to get this done, than ten months later they close it... it hardly seems worth it to me. I'm also a little bit bitter because if you count it, the gym is closed for three weeks a year, so when I buy a year long membership, why don't I get a year and three weeks? I think it's time to change gyms, because this one is hardly worth it anymore. Does anyone have any tips for chosing a new gym?

Yeah, That didn't happen.

2009-06-13T22:36:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I'll be honest, I highly doubt that I lost the five lbs that I wanted to this week. Hell, I doubt I've lost anything really. It was a horrible week, with not getting more than five hours of sleep a night I made it until Tuesday before I was little more than a zombie. I blame the heat in my house as it was usually 29C when I was trying to go to sleep, which didn't work very well... I sleep better in the cold. This week I'm thinking of breaking out the AC unit... have to see how exactly the week goes down.
Until tomorrow when I've actually done my weigh in... I guess there's always next week. Oh, and yes guys that is an excuse, I know.
T.

3 in 5 <> 5 in 5 :-(

2009-06-07T12:13:00.000-06:00

Well, Sadly I did not manage to do it. It would appear that I'm stuck in a 3 lbs a week routine (Ok I know I shouldn't bitch about that, like really? lol) but I'm going to try again this week, try harder this week... well, smarter rather. Last week was the first week back after a week off so... I have three weeks left to drop 9 lbs in order to stay on track, so now it's a challenge.

T.

Five in Five

2009-05-31T12:23:00.001-06:00

Alright, Here's the goal for this week. Five pounds in the next five days. Damm near impossible I know, but I figured I might as well set my sights for the stars! I need the challenge this week I think. Oh, and for the record yes that is half of my entire months goal, but if it means I do better than I want to in this three month set, than it means I'm doing better than even I thought I could do.

On another note, so far down 40 lbs, and still going strong. Hell I lost 2 lbs last week, ate out three times, and didn't do any work outs (it was my week off and that was planned, I wasn't just slacking). I figure if I can do 2 without doing anything, I should be able to do at least five this week!

Here's to next saturday!

*Where all others would stop; when failure is understandable; when no one would hold it against me... that is where I begin.*
T.

be Patient my Friends

2009-05-26T19:50:00.000-06:00

When I started this journey 115 days ago, I had done countless hours of research; I spent so much time reading everything I could get my hands on, so much time talking to everyone I could find that thought they knew anything about any of this; I thought I was prepared. I realize now, that I knew the words that needed to be spoken, I just had no idea how to make the sentences, paragraphs, and pages that needed to be placed together to succeed. But, it has been a work in progress.

When I started I really didn't have any idea how much I could safely lose in a week, what my real sustainment level really was, or hell for that matter I didn't know why I should do cardio. Well, it is that reason I write today, in hopes that I can help out that one person that wants to know how to get started on their weight loss journey through weight training and cardio activities.

Those ads on the side of this page, the ones that claim you can lose X number of pounds in X number of days... They're all a lie. Click one, I dare you. Read through it and I bet you that it sounds too good to be true, espessially compared to me sitting here telling you that you have to work your ass off to get where you want to be. Well, it is too good to be true. Weight loss is a very simple matter of calories in vs calories out. That's it. If you use more energy than you consume in a day, you will lose weight. To stay within a rather healthy range I'd suggest you do not try to create a differance of more than 1000 calories a day though, anymore and I'd talk to your doctor.
For me, on paper, my sustainment level is about 3000 calories a day. Now, I've used several formulas that I've found and all of them peg me around this level. I usually go by a 1500 calorie diet per day, which gives me about 3 pounds a week or so. It's not that agressive of a plan, but it takes dicipline to do that. I would not suggest EVER going below 1000 calories a day, no matter how small you are or you're just going to gain it all back, and possibly more. If you want to create more of a differance, try uping your calories out instead.
This brings me to cardio. I bike with a heart rate of 140 to 150 beats per minute for a minimum of half an hour every week day. Why, simply to up that differance. With 1500 calories a day consumption I should be losing 3 lbs a week, but some days I find it hard to stick to that level, espessially now that I'm almost at my fifth month doing this. Anyone can starve themselves for a month to lose what they want, but it takes a very dedicated person to pace themselves and not try to push it too hard.

This brings me to my final point. I've done this for almost four months straight, and I've "only" lost 40 lbs. I say "only" because there isn't a day that I wake up that I cannot look towards that final goal and wish that it was going faster... there isn't a second in any minute of any day where I don't think that I could go harder, I could push past this, I could do five lbs this week... I'm not going to say that I can't, but when it really comes down to it... I won't. Yes, I want that great body that everyone dreams of, and I WILL have that body given time but I have been raised better than to beleive I could trully appreciate anything I didn't have to work my ass off for. Respect is earned, not given.

10%?

2009-05-07T22:04:00.001-06:00

So, I just did some googling and it turns out that you need like 10-12% body fat in order to have a six pack. I'm not all that sure why exactly I'm suprised at this, but so much for my hopes by summer! Lol. I guess that's why people say they worked at it for years, and I guess in the end that is what makes it worth it eh? So guessing on the low side of 10%, that makes me three times what I need? God I hope my scale is wrong!

For those of you who know me personally you know the battle I've been going through lately. It's kind of a two fold issue I'm having. Number one I set a goal of wanting to be 60lbs lighter, bringing me down to 270lbs and I wanted to stay there for a while before trying to drop too much more. Being that in 2.5 months I lost the first 30, I had hesitation to do good in the next three months because than what... I love the attention I'm getting now, I love the way I feel, and I'm just over all happy. I mean, I remember the "old" days where I'd wake up feeling like shit, only get worse as the day went along before I crawled into bed bagged as shit and wanting the day to just be over. Now a days I jump into bed and try to fall asleep as fast as I can because the sooner the next day comes the sooner I get to go back to the gym. In the words of Arnold "when I lift weights it's like I'm cuming" lol.

The problem with all that was the fact that if I reach my goal than what? This was never suppose to be something I do for life I mean one can only get so small right? All my research was about losing the weight not becoming the this big mass of muscle... But to think that if I reach the goal this is over?... (I know it's never over, this is for life but still...)

The other problem is simply what if I don't meet what I did last time? I mean in two and a half months to lose 30 lbs is a HUGE accomplishment... what if in this three month period I cannot do the same thing? Now sure why exactly I've divided it up though... I mean, why can't it just be one six month period? Or rather "the rest of my life"... OK I do know why... three months is nothing, three months brings me to Summer... that's a drop in the bucket when you think the past 25 years I've looked the way I did... Now, to say even the next 25 years I'm going to HAVE to work at this; that's a long time and a huge comitment. I guess my question is why does this have to be a "I'm going to HAVE to work at this" kind of thing... I love this, I love this feeling and for the most part would't trade it for the world... why am I forcing myself to do something I love? Better yet, am I forcing myself or just telling myself I'm forcing myself so that it's easier to justify to those people who question why I'd wanna do this for life? I guess in the end all I have is questions, and a looming bed time with the worlds strongest desire to get to the gym tomorrow morning. With that, I'd like to leave you with one more question... Do we do what we love, or love what we do?

Success is limited, I am not.

T.

The letter Y

2009-05-03T08:57:00.000-06:00

When I started this journey, I had to do a lot of soul searching to find the reason why I wanted to do it. What I've done, and am still doing is not something that most people have ever been able to accomplish, and although there are some things I wish I had changed on my way, I still consider it a great success so far. My encouragement was not to impress, but rather be recognized as something other than everyone’s fat friend. Friend of all, enemy and lover of none so to speak. I know that no one would have ever said that to my face, but what people do not realize is that words are only 20% of communication, 80% is body language.

Well two weeks ago I had a party with all my friends, and I am a victim of my own success. I cannot say that I have totally succeeded, because I still have a long ways to go in my mind... but in theirs I had done what was what impossible. The compliments where very obvious; these people who I hadn’t seen in three or more months were shocked, amazed if you will at how well I have done. This is a good thing, and one of those welcome side effects I was totally expecting… but this side effect had a repercussion I was not prepared for.

I left that party feeling great inside, I had done what no one thought I could. But that was exactly the problem… even though my goal was 30 lbs more I had already succeeded to all these people and it caused the motivation to disappear… there was no reason to continue in whole because it would be dam near impossible to get that reaction from them again, a reaction I do admit I crave.

So over the past two weeks I’ve done some more soul searching while continuing the meal plan… mostly because I like the food and it saves me money. I needed more inspiration, I need a reason to get up an hour early every morning and go and work my ass off… with no one else to impress other than myself. Now, I have been so fat for so long that I’ve successfully desensitized myself. I had the overwhelming ability to look in a mirror and honestly not care what stood staring back at me. With that kind of attitude it’s kind of hard to look at myself every morning and feel any achievement, because I just don’t care, I am motivated purely by what other people think of me.

This answer should have been obvious to me, I am a software engineer, and I am a slave at best to the internet and all of its offerings. Starting today I begin a new journey. Instead of holding myself accountable to those I hold close and dear, those real people staring back at me, I am going to hold myself accountable to the internet and the millions of readers where the compliments cannot run low. Now, I realize at this point my reader base is limited at best, but that’s ok because I do not expect any comments from anyone because I know you will all be thinking the same thing… How far I have come.

Starting today, I will be taking daily photos and hopefully uploading them every day, or at a minimum on a weekly basis along with the meal plan, and everything. My audience, my followers, will become my accountability. This will be done for one month, with the possibility of longer depending how it goes.

*Success is limited. I am not.*
T.

Where does your power lie?

2009-04-23T20:48:00.000-06:00

I know I don't have all that many readers out there in cyber land yet... in fact I could probably list them all on one hand, but let me ask those of you who read... where does your power lie? Define power, I know. Allow me to lead by example!

For me, music. Simple as it sounds, and yeah, it even probably makes me normal (who knew eh?)... but it's true. Music can put me in the worst mood, put me deep in thought, or make me the nicest guy in the world. I guess what they say is true, Music can calm the savage beast!

My Second worst influence would have to be thought. You'd be suprised in the power of a compliment lol. Today was no differance to this one. A girl I had hung out with a few times decided to follow my roomate home, one of those curious girls who you can tell never really did understand, but she really tried hard. Ok I'll be honest, not many people do understand me, espessially when I am in my element. Put me behind a bar, or infront of a computer with a challenge and I baffle the smartest people you can find. But anyway, the first thing she said to me was "wow, your face looks so skinny". Now, I was sitting down in black clothes so I really wouldn't have expected her to notice it at all, but... Makes me wonder, have I changed that much?

I think back to three months ago, the way I was... I see a lot of the same traites as I did back than, but at the same time there is this over whelming feeling in my mind... I think they call it confidence, but I'm not sure it's not something I've experienced for all that long. It's not just that... someone once told me long ago that there is one type of respect in this world that is universal, that is weight loss. People respect someone who has the strength to stand against the whole world, and change it for their better. I cannot say I changed the world, hell I cannot even tell you that the world which I interact even exists... but I do know that I have influenced other people to do what I've come to do really well... and most importantly I've inspired myself. I appoligize to those of you reading this thinking how dare he put himself before me... but lets face it, someone had to.

T.

While I'm in the spirit

2009-04-22T21:14:00.000-06:00

I've decided that it's time for a new layout. Something on a lighter back ground with darker text. Although I did really enjoy the last layout, I realized that it does not really support the whole positive energy thing, and if I want to get serious about this again I need to surround myself with positive thoughts and colors... besides, it was getting old.

On that note, I think it's funny because I'm considering taking the rest of the week off... saying fuck all this and just enjoying a few days in celebration of official success in my last goal of getting down the first 10%. (Oh yeah, I weighed in at 298, and weighed myself this morning again JUST to make sure and i was still down, even though I didn't think there was any way in hell I would be). But I just can't do it. I just cannot justify going back to the way I was... Maybe justify isn't the right word anymore. I was thinking about McDonalds after K mentioned it and... well... it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Something about the sawdust fried in oil and other random shit that just doesn't do it for me anymore. Right now, sadly, I crave lemon water and celery...

Again, Here's to the new Re-Beginings... the guildance of myself to a path less followed.

Here's to the Re-Beginings...

2009-04-22T21:01:00.000-06:00

Good Afternoon cyberland!
Ok, I gotta admit off the top that the title maybe a little bit over dramatic... but I guess that it answers to the over exageration that I'm currently thinking. Let me explain:

This week has been particularly bad as far as I'm concerned, but good in some ways as well. For the past couple of weeks I have a hell of a time doing all of my work outs, as a matter of fact I probably average one a day out of my wanted three a day (I know what you're thinking, is he really bitching because he only works out once a day?... yes, I am). Riddled with exhaustion, stress, lack of time, and just over all frustration I've slightly strayed. This week, it wasn't the work outs that failed... I scaled those back down to two per day because three was just too much. This week it was the meal plan that failed on several occassions. You see, Monday I had a good bye lunch for a co-worker of mine, as he's being shipped off to a differant team. That was just stir fried chicken and vegies, not that big of a deal but a stray none the less. Than for dinner I had a subway sub. I had just finished working an 11 hour day where I hadn't eaten since lunch and was so tired and pissed off cooking wasn't a good option... Yes it was Subway, and Yes it was just a chicken sub, but still...

Than there's today. Another good buy lunch for someone else who is going off to work at another company... This time at an Irish Pub. I'm not sure if anyone reading this has ever been to one or not, but there is nothing decentally healthy on those menu's... nothing at all. I got the meat loaf with veggies; it was pretty much the only thing not deepfried in shit on the menu. It can't have been that bad, but I still feel bad lol.

So Either way, here's to the new Re-Beginings... hopefully I get another 11 weeks out of it before I have to change-er-up again. Wow, it's been 11 weeks of this already? That's freaking nuts! I guess it's almost time to change up my work out plan again... hopefully to something I can actually follow!

To the [Good] Old days.

2009-04-15T19:42:00.000-06:00

I sit here and I wonder, ponder rather, about all the things that once where...whether the places I've gone would have been any differant... whether the past could have changed and whether the future would be any easier. I have to wonder whether the past was good or bad; which of course leads me to question how do I define good and bad, but that's for another blog all together. The problem I have is that I stand here, well sit here really, not knowing how I have come to where I am... think more philosophically than litterally for this one ppls...

Sure, I have had some obviously good things happen to me.. as I have had some obviously bad things happen... but I mean the small things. I use this sense of failure, well not failure as much as lack of success really, to motivate me to continue forward, thinking that the future must hold something better for me without trully realizing what the past has held.

When you're standing on the edge of a cliff, do you stare down and wonder what it would be like to fly (with a parachute of course) or do you back away and go the way you came... never questioning it?

*To the Future, Past, and Present*
T.

Unofficially Official - 10% down, 20% to go.

2009-04-14T21:57:00.000-06:00

So, it's been ten weeks since I started going to the gym and I've officially lost 10% of my body weight. I weight my self mid week because I had gone on a short vacation, and unofficially (because it's not the proper weigh in day) I'm down to 298, which is 31 pounds less than when I first started. I'll be honest, I wanted to celebrate, go out get a big cake and just devour the entire thing, but for some reason the thought of such an act made me sick and I didn't do it lol. Truth is I've worked my ass off to get to this point, and it seemed like a waste to give it all away after all that.

The past few weeks have been particularly hard for me to be honest, not so much the eating, at least I have that part down. It's more the going to the gym thing. For some reason I cannot drag my ass out of bed in the morning, I have a hard time pushing myself. It might have something to do with the fact that I was having a hard time remembering why I'm doing this. What most people don't realize, is I've always been a big guy. At the weight I'm currently at right now I officially weigh the same as I did when I was in grade ten. I know, big deal right... but when you consider that January 2008 I was up near 350 lbs, this is a loooooong ways down already. I guess it's hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're still not good enough, you still have tons of work to do when you think you honestly look good... compared to what I used to know anyway. By far the longest 2.5 months of my life, but also the most productive.

I think I'm good now again though, a couple of thoughts I'd rather not share because I don't know who will read this in the end, and I think I found my motivation again. Lets just say that sometimes the ghosts of our past haunt us, but with the right spin they can more than inspire us... Or I'm just lying to myself to get my ass out of bed in the morning; but at least I'm back to posting!

Just trying to name this post... 10% down, 20% to go. It's weird to sit here and think that I can actually go another 20%. When I first started my goal was around 270, and I thought that was stretching it, that the chances of giving up before that point where very very high. Now, I'm looking at it thinking... maybe I could weight 240? That's a lot of work, I know... but to think that by summer if I work hard enough I could be... sorry let me rephrase that... I will be at such a low weight! Ok, maybe 240 is overdoing it honestly, I mean that would mean that in 7.5 months I'd be down 90 lbs... even the stupidest idiot who does this for a living would laugh at me. Maybe I'll see how things go when I'm 270 but it's the thought that I could... that it IS possible... Who knew?

The Joys of being sick.

2009-03-21T09:40:00.000-06:00

Good Morning All you blog readers out there in blog land!

So, Sorry I havn't posted for the past couple of days. I woke up on thursday and I felt like garbage. Being that two of my closest friends (and co-worker) are sick I assumed I was comming down with what they had, so I cut out the work outs and went back to bed to try and fight it before it started. Than yesturday, I felt fine but I wanted to make sure that there was nothing there, ya know?

This morning is one of my two normal days off on my Itteration 1 training cycle. It also happens to be that today is my weigh in day... The results are good, but I think I'm starting to get just a little bit impatient with this whole process... I'm down another 4 lbs from last week roughly (It's actually 3.6, but 4 sounds better). And I realize that I shouldn't expect to be able to lose more than that, and any more than that is not maintainable in the end anyway... It's just I've got such a taste for blood and I'm so close to that big 300 mark that I'm kind of excited, and frustrated that it's not comming faster. 306.8 incase you're wondering. That does mean that ultimatly in the past 15 months I've gone down from 345 (that's 38.2 lbs), or more impressivly since I actually started pushing it this year that's down from 329 (22.2 lbs) on January 25th. But following that drive in human nature which says I will never be totally happy, I look towards that big 300 mark with envy, craving the day that I step on that scale and no longer see the big three (which at this rate could be within two weeks; but I don't like to count my chickens before the eggs hatch).

Today is also the last day of my fifth week of working out, and time to revamp my work out schedule. This is what I've been doing for the past five weeks:

Sunday:
Rest Day

Monday:
Chest
Bench Press (10*3)
Inverted Bench (10*3)
Flies (10*3)
Lower cable flies (10x3)

Tuesday:
Legs
Squats (10*3)
Circular Lunges (3)
Lunges (10*3)
Stairs (20 * 2)

Wednesday:
Shoulders
Military Press(10*3)
Side Lateral Raises(10*3)
Front Lateral Raises(10*3)
Barbell Shrugs(10*3)

Thursday:
Arms
Skull Crunchers(10x3)
Horizontal Bench (10x3)
PullDowns(10x3)
BarLifts (10x3)
Preacher Curls(10x3)

Friday:
Back
(I don't know the actual names for these, and have never bothered to look them up, so we'll just use these for now)
reverse flies
pully thing by pull downs
other side pully thing
Lower Back Machine

Saturday:
Rest day
Weight In

Now, this has been ok for the most part although I've seemed to find that by the time that Friday comes around, I am so bagged and my enthusiasm just isn't there anymore, so my back day normally isn't that great. I've skipped a few due to various reasons, and I'm just not geting the full potential out of my later week work outs. I'm going to spend the day changing things, first I have to decide what kind of schedule I'm looking at, but right now I'm thinking:

Sunday:
Chest & Back

Monday:
Legs & Shoulders

Tuesday:
Arms

Wednesday:
Rest Day
Stretching

Thursday:
Chest
Legs

Friday:
Arms
Shoulders

Saturday:
Rest day
Stretching
Weight In

This would give me the ability to take the rest day mid week, which should allow me to recover and get that drive back to finish up the week... that's my hope anyway. Being that next week is my sixth week, and therefore should technically be just a rest week I may try this, just to see how it goes without pushing myself very hard. It gives me the opertunity to do a trial run in real time before I go hard the following week.

Anyway, I will be sure to update you all when I've decided!
T.

Somedays I have to wonder why...

2009-03-17T21:06:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here thinking about it, and I have to wonder why, I have to question why I'm working so hard at this this time. I've heard so many people swear they where going to change, and I used to be just as bad as the rest of them; but somehow this time is differant, something about this time keeps pushing me forward, not letting me fail. I hope that this can continue, I hope that I can keep this up because I've never seen progress like this, this fast. I mean I've been lifting for four weeks, this being the fifth and I've hardly missed a day. There was last monday where I couldn't because I was feeling sick, but that's it, that's all, the rest I've been working my ass off with the only desire to continue going...

I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day, and he was kindly reminding me that what I've done has to be done from now on... now that I've made these changes its not going to be possible for me to go back. He brought up the example of what happens six months from now when I want a hamburger? It brings up an interesting question though, why would I want a hamburger? I don't miss it, I really don't crave it right now like so many people have sworn they do. I think it's weird, which is why he can't really grasp why I'd want to totally change my life like this. I mean really, how many people are honestly able to cross the line between being overweight and fit... the thought alone that I "could" be one of those people, one of the people that have defeated where so many people have failed, it commands a certain amount of respect. In fact I guess that is the only thing in this world which demands universal respect of everyone, the ability to control yourself and your surroundings enough to change. Change is a scary thing, and those who embrace it in such a forward thinking manner have my respect, that's for sure.

Tuesday - Legs

2009-03-17T20:54:00.000-06:00

Morning Workout - Legs

Squats

Lunges

Calf Extensions

Stair lifts

Afternoon Work Out

30 minute walk

15 minutes jump rope

111 - Situps (w/ 8lb medicine ball)

150 - Side to Side (w/ 8lb medicine ball)

150 - bicycle kicks

75 - Heals to Heavens

So, today was day one on rapid cuts, and what an interesting day it was. I took the first one this morning with breakfast, as I hate taking pills without food and I swear for the first hour and a half after that I was high as a kite, I felt great but things where kind of blury, and there was no way in hell I could possibly focus on anything. And then there was the energy, I've never had that much energy, it was great! I took the second one with lunch and oddly I didn't have the same reaction, I was kind of disapointed really. Now I just hope I can sleep tonight!

Like I mentioned earlier the things I ordered last week came in yesturday, I absolutly love the hoodie too, I had my doubts but I don't think I've taken it off since I got it. I was going to see if I could get away with wearing it to work today, but I figured someone would complain. Tomorrow is shoulders for me, it's by far one of my easier days so I'm kind of disapointed. It's Wednesday though, it's been one hell of a week so far, and I could really use the break.

Anyway, it's time to try and hit the sack. I feel like a ten year old going to bed at nine, but it sure helps in the morning.

2009-03-16T21:05:00.000-06:00

Monday - Chest Day:

Morning Work Out:

95 lbs - 10 x 1 Bench Press warm up/cool down

135 lbs - 10 x 3 Bench Press
95 lbs - 10 x 1 Bench Press cool down
85 lbs - 10 x 3 Inverted Bench press
50 lbs - 10 x 3 Flies
50 lbs - 10 x 3 Lower Cable Flies
30 minute walk

Afternoon Work Out
30 minute walk
15 minutes jump rope
15 minutes jumping jacks / bag

101 - Situps (w/ 8lb medicine ball)
155 - Side to Side (w/ 8lb medicine ball)
150 - bicycle kicks
75 - Heals to Heavens
80 - Wood Chopper

Well there you have it, Monday's work out. Needless to say, I'm bagged and craving bed. With that being said, Good night all.

Somehow, I miss it.

2009-03-15T10:38:00.000-06:00

It is 10:30 am, on a day which is supposed to be one of two days off for now. I've been awake for around an hour and a half, and I already miss it... I crave it. In case you're not familiar with what I'm talking about, I'm referring to working out... ok well not the working out so much as the pure high you receive afterwards. Of everything I've ever tried, by far the best high I've ever experienced.

I know I didn't have this blog a month ago, we'll thank procrastination for that one, so no one has seen the struggles, no one has seen how hard it was to get up at 5am every morning when it was minus 30 outside to go up to the gym and work out. No one saw how hard it was to not open that bag of chips at night, to say no thank you when someone offered me a pop... Hell I bought cupcakes last week for my entire team, which sat at my desk for 6 hours before someone ate them all... and I didn't have a single one.

To be honest, I don't know why I succeeded. I mean my friends have been there for me when I needed them, except those who question the whole thing… but it’s not like I told them in the very beginning. Hell, I was doing this for two or so weeks before I mentioned it to anyone; and at that point it became so noticeable that people started asking questions and I had no choice. There is one person who will remain anonymous that has really helped since I told her, not so much because I rely on her to help but rather because I could… I don’t know, I guess that helps.

One of the other things I’ve noticed that have helped are to tease myself. I know that makes no sense, but I keep a bag of chips on my TV stand, somewhere that I will see every day before bed when I used to crave them. Why you ask? I have no idea; it just seems to work, constantly knowing that I COULD have them, that nothing is physically stopping me except myself. That and the fact that it is a constant reminder of how hard I’ve had to work to get out of that mind frame, to get away from simply not caring or eating because I was stressed. I guess that was a high at one point too.

I guess it also helps that I have a cheat day, or free day as I like to call it. I call it a free day because cheat implies that I’m breaking the rules and cheating, but if I’m allowed to do it, if it is part of the rules I’m really not cheating now am I? Anyway, for one day a week I can eat anything, and as much of it as I want. I know what you’re thinking that I’m just setting myself back for that one day, and hindering my progress and on some levels you’re probably right. I’ve done some research on the subject though, and it would appear that it’s like the bag of chips, if I force myself to be good for the entire week, it becomes a punishment because “I cannot ever have a hamburger again”. With a cheat day, I can have that greasy ass hamburger just not today; because I don’t feel like cheating today. That one line has worked so well, you have no idea.

I’ve also never really forced myself to not eat certain things (well, except those poison foods like chips and things, which to be honest don’t taste that good anymore). I was talking to someone a few days ago, and she was saying how when she did a competition for the same idea, she wasn’t allowed to have fruit. When I was putting together my meal plan, I looked at it and figured that I would probably want sugar, so why not use a natural sugar in fruit to counter that? Now, again I cannot stress enough that I know the exact calories, protein, carbs, and fat in everything; yes EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth now a days. It’s all tracked through countless excel spreadsheets using half a dozen programs that I’ve found, websites, and most importantly the food labels attached to food. I can tell you what exactly I ate on February 1st, how much, and how I liked it. Most people can’t tell me what they had for dinner two days ago; let alone how many glasses of pop they drink in a week.

But I don’t think that’s what’s helped me go along, I mean losing yourself in the technicalities, and documentation would definitely be a great idea… but it’s not what’s helped me. There are two other things that have helped me though. The first is something someone used to say to me all the time, “when you wake up in the morning, can you honestly say that’s the best you want to feel all day?” He was using it for other reasons, but the same concept exists here. The other is what I’ve named this blog after, “Failure is not an option.” That is what I tell myself every morning, that is what drives me because to me, it means a whole lot more than most people would think. I’ve tried in the past to do this same thing; I’ve had the same ambition to successes. I’ve even pushed myself harder, and further that I am this time but every other time I’ve failed to continue, I’ve failed to go the distance. When you’re running from a bear it’s great you’re the fastest sprinter in the world, but if you can only run for 100 meters you’re still dead.

So in short, or in long if you’ve read this entire thing, Failure is not an option… End of story.
T.

My life style determines my death style.

2009-03-14T11:52:00.000-06:00

Ab Workout Today:
101 - Situps (w/ 8lb medicine ball)
155 - Side to Side (w/ 8lb medicine ball)
120 - bicycle kicks
75 - Heals to Heavens
80 - Wood Chopper

And today was my day off... well, right now one of two days i'm suppose to take off. In addition to that, today is my cheat day. Needless to say, my abs hurt like hell and I don't really want to eat anything because it only makes it worse. Anyway, I figured I'd get that up before I get out for the day.

T.

A Bit Of History

2009-03-13T19:54:00.000-06:00

How it All Began.
I am Tony. I have always been a big guy; I'm told that I've been this way since the day I was born, and over the years I guess I just held true to that reputation. I remember weighing myself when I was probably ten or twelve, and my parents were shocked that I was up to 220 lbs. I really only went up from there.

It never really hit me until about a year ago, well the beginning of January 2008 to be exact. I stepped on my scale and the only thing it said was “ERROR”. I promptly turned it over to see a label which said “Max weight 350 lbs.” That was the shock of a lifetime. I knew that I had been hovering around 330 maybe 340 for years, and I had tried most of the fad diets, and plans before, but when the scale actually told me I was too heavy to be weighed, that hit home. It was that day, 7 am on some random weekday that I decided something HAD to be done, that failure was no longer an option.

I had already been going to the gym for about a month before that, just doing what most overweight and embarrassed people do there… trying to make it look like I knew what I was doing, trying to make it look like I wasn’t such a fat ass as I was. The day after D-Day as I call it I decided to step on a scale at the gym, 345 lbs. Three Hundred and Forty Five Pounds… WOW, I had some work to do. Over the next six months I continued to go to the gym with my friends, and it became almost more of a social thing than anything, sure I lost weight, but I was never really happy. Eight months after I started going to the gym, a few days before my 25th birthday I weighed myself again to find that I was down to roughly 315 lbs. I was still a heavy ass mofo if you ask me, but I’m probably the only person who’d complain about losing “only” 30 lbs in such a short time without having any idea what I was doing.

Shortly after my 25th birthday I started helping out a friend of mine, he was renovating his basement and I loved to play with power tools, so I stopped going to the gym. That lasted about four months, until I came to the realization that I had to get back into it, I had to do something as my weight was continuing to rise, and I really didn’t have a plan.

I started reading, learning, empowering myself to learn everything I possibly could. I have never faced a battle I could not win, so why should this be any different? Well, half a dozen books, and hundreds of websites later I finally realized it really wasn’t as hard as it had seemed at one point. It’s a simple mathematical formula. If your calories in exceed your calories exerted, you gain weight. If they are less, you lose weight. Too simple I know eh? Well, I’m sure all of those books and programs would have you believe something else, like there’s some magical fat blocking gene that can be activated with the pill of the moment… reality is, there isn’t one.
With knowledge under my belt, I realized the only thing I needed to do was put in place a plan. One week later I had a start date set, a plan in place, and a goal in mind. I had put together a program, what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, what I needed to buy for groceries and when. In addition to that a fitness schedule that told me when I needed to wake up, when I needed to work out, for how long, what to do etc. A Little bit of knowledge goes a really long way I guess.

On January 29th I weighed in at 329 lbs and on January 30th I started the meal plan portion of my program. Four weeks after my meal plan was implemented, I started the weight lifting portion of my program, and every week I have been tracking my progress, body measurements, weight, body fat percentage etc.

At the beginning of this week (Saturday is my weigh in, and today is only Friday) I weighed 310.6 lbs. That means that in a short 6 weeks I’ve lost roughly 19 lbs, or 3.2 lbs per week on average. Now you know the history, hopefully the future will not be so… summarized.